A love bite is always fun.
Ya know. Those little mid make-out sesh lip nibbles to let your partner know this isn’t gonna be your run of the mill vanilla evenings. Not tonight. No, sir. You spent the afternoon at your local run down MVC Late Night – the one with the dying blinking neon lights that they haven’t bothered to repair in four years. You’re ready to take this relache to the next level. Even though it’s only the second half of the first date. So, you let him know it by with a labial vice grip of enamel clamps. This is, as I’ve been made to understand, normal courting protocol for humans.
But you know who else likes to do this?
Snakes.
And one greedy 18 year old Floridian soul found this out the hard way… after abducting a cottonmouth from his girlfriend’s yard, keeping it hostage in his pillowcase, and taking it out for sporadic smooch seshes. Less than a week into this tryst, the serpent decided that this role of home wrecker just wasn’t working out for her. (“I mean, if he’s not gonna leave his main bish like he promised me, why stay here? Why remain in a relationship if he can’t commit? Plus, I’m so sick of being hidden away like some dirty secret in his bedclothes. AND, I’m starving. Technically, this is kidnapping. OMG. This is just like that 90’s movie ‘Kiss The Girls’. Well, let’s see how ‘Cassanova’ he looks after THIS shit…”)
(I think I got the wrong species of snake there #justgowithit.)
Homegirl’d had enough. So she fang raped his face and came poison into his mug. But I feel like the quote his friend (who witnessed the incident I wish to god had been recorded for the morbidly fascinated like me to enjoy) shared, is particularly fun:
“He took it out…” (giggity)
“…put it on his chest”(giggity and a half)
“…and it was acting funny, and it jumped up and got him… He ripped it off his face, threw it on the ground and he started swelling up immediately. It was pretty frightening.”
Wait, wait, wait. Can we back up a few lines here? “Acting strange”? All in all, I think this reptilian princess was abnormally normal. Bish had done pretty well, IMHO, surviving several days sans losing her temper. In fact, it was entirely undeserved divine intervention that kept the kid from getting bitten far sooner – considering he was dumb enough to hide a wild reptile away like a porn magazine (or dead body, or whatever kids hide nowadays)
And what did we learn today? Oh, ya know. Just what all the wise sages have said for eons:
“If you love something, set it free. If you have to keep it in a pillowcase and force affection on it…
…it wasn’t meant to be.”
-A reading from the gospel of wise white bearded Asian Man.
(Let’s not forget that you’ll also go from guido to fugu fish in four seconds flat):
