Greetings my sweet, sloshed lambs.
On this eve of 2015, as you cure the disease of sobriety in the company of friends, I won’t be joining you. However, as a seasoned and canonized veteran of the tradition, I’ve much wisdom to bestow. Thus, I’ve magnanimously constructed the following easy-to-follow commandments for after last call, so that you may get home safely and wake up alive in the morning (wishing you weren’t).
1. THOU SHALT FIND A SUPPORTIVE NECK REST BEFORE SLEEPING:
Ahhh.. is this that new Sealey Pizza-pedic pillow I’ve heard about?
2. THOU SHALT IMPROVISE THINE WAY INSIDE
In desperation we find hope. And home. And an axe to find our way inside that home when the DD you gave your keys to got drunk himself and ditched you.
Girls can play too!
(I feel like “halfway home” will come to have more meanings than this for her before she finally dies of cirrhosis.)
3. THOU SHALT BE A FOLLICULARLY FUNCTIONAL DRUNK
For example:
If you’re mad this dude’s stealing your signature polluted move, you both might wanna grow out your top mops. I get that you probably shaved it off because there’s always more puke than keratin in it by Monday morning. But for safety purposes, I’d personally prescribe the uncombed-hockey-hair-till-it’s-Rasta look – for cushion.
Unless your 5 year plan’s to sound like an NFL player.
4.THOU SHALT BE CONSIDERATE
Good friends prop up the ones who can’t hang – with a hanger. This way, when he pukes passed out, he won’t choke on his own vomit and die. (An inconvenience that nobody wants to deal with tomorrow while hungover.)
5. THOU SHALT SOBER UP ENOUGH TO AVOID A DIP
Walking home alone and tipsy? Why not do a few gymnastics moves to sober up?
(He may hafta settle for the bronze. ‘cause this just looks like a bad audition for a 50’s musical.)
6. THOU SHALT DRUNK MUNCH OR DIE TRYING
(To be fair, it looks like that belly ain’t got no snack vacancy anyway).
7. THOU SHALT SOBER UP ENOUGH TO AVOID A GFL (Grounding for life)
Oh, no. Mom’s coming home from her night shift early…. Shh-shh. It’s okay. Just remember what my older sister taught me when I was ten: A little fridge chill helps mitigate the schwill factor. (Maybe your sibling will actually be kind enough to let you out before mom shows up.)
8. THOU SHALT RULE OUT SOUSED-ICIDE AT SUNRISE
This guy clearly started the party well before reading commandment #1.
Also, it looks like you forgot #4. I’m obviously dealing with a house of heathens and possibly a demonic possession by the looks of that sleeping position. But, as I’m a forgiving god, I suggest this as a Plan B: after your buddy’s Linda Blair style vomit session, you’ll need to be ready to do a kitchen exorcism on your contorted pal upon waking. Preferably before he can simultaneously crabwalk while pissing up your stairs. That’s – if he wakes up.
(Are we sure he’s asleep? Is that rigor mortis? I feel like I’m looking at rigor mortis…)
9. THOU SHALT NOT STEAL
Great. You made it to your destination intact.
Now don’t pass out before paying the cabbie outside who has safely ferried you home.
(In a way, this photo’s very symbolic. I mean, we put “In God We Trust” on our money, which we stress so much to earn that we need to go get drunk to decompress – before starting the cycle all over again. And here this bish is reenacting the effing Sistine Chapel tip-touching painting between God n’ Adam with a quarter? This article’s all wrong, man. Should’ve been called “10 Times Drunk People Were Smarter Than Sober You”.)
10. THOU SHALT USE THINE GOD GIVEN ASSETS. AND TIT-SETS.
There are still ways to sleep improvise than door-smashing or doggy entries.
That’s if you can’t find your keys. Or the home they go to, for that matter. For instance, they say milk’s a good soporific. Naturally, the fleshy manufacturing plant it’s born in that lives above your ribs must be a good shoe in, right? Right. Thus, if you’re blessed with a backbreaking pair of double D’s, go ahead and catch some Z’s. Because – as they say – “home is where the heart is”. (check.) And they also say “home is where I lay my head”. (check.)
That’s all. Go forth my brothers and sisters – with blood less pure than mine which continuously circulates through this sacred, sinless flesh temple I commandeer to compensate for all of your collective sins thereby making me better than yo- (“What do you MEAN caffeine’s a drug, JUDAS?! GTFO. You can’t sit with us anymore.”)
Enjoy. Be safe.
And may all your drunken domes find a “home” tonight on a massive set of cardiac canopies.
Or – really – just anything that’s not street pizza.