Wait, wait, WAIT a second.

Because I just found out… cashews don’t grow in shells?!

Yes, that’s right. But that’s not all. Not only do they fail to enter this world as delectably crunchy oyster pearls like the rest of their cohort group, but you might get dead (or just super sick) if you try to nom ‘em in their natch state. You see, they’re born in these tumorous necrotic-finger bulbs which grow off a fruit called a “cashew apple” – and that apostrophe construct is its protective poison placenta:

(They look more like disproportionate pumpkin children)

Granted, the stuff in the surrounding shell (anacardic acid) is more innocuous than some’a the damage nature can do – it’s kinda got more of a poison sumac effect than a froth-at-the-mouth-and-expire one. Still, I feel like the difference between getting that shiz on my outer skin which I can stratch versus in the lining of my unreachable gulp funnel is significant.

It’s funny because I keep seeing and ignoring this video a diet vlogger (who champions low fat high carb raw eating) made that perpetually pops up in my sidebar titled “How cashews almost killed me” (or something akin to that.) I felt like it was just the typical fear porn people like to annoy you with when they’re trying to sell something – so I ignored it (along with the picture of her usually flawless face looking like the snake kissing guido). But I kinda don’t need to watch it to know what happened to this poor hapless fool. After reading the thing I did today, I can tell you right now. The cashews they sell downstairs here in Wegmans (where I get FreeWi and cheap lattes and can work quietly) are obvi non-poisonous. Because they shell them and clean them and properly prepare them so you don’t have to end up murdered at mealtime like an ancient monarch tyrant with a conspiratory kitchen staff. But that’s not everywhere. Sometimes they’ll sell them (mind you, this is in distant lands and those weird local international stores you see pinched betwixt the tattoo shops and shisha cafes) without all the safety-prep work. Granted, even these guys will remove most of the inimical oils, but not all – still enough to sicken you. And ya wanna know how they’re labeled? “Raw”. I bet that’s exactly why aforementioned vlogger bought ‘n noshed the stuff sans a second thought. So if you’re gonna start a “raw” diet and you’re looking for some variety, I suggest you do your research first and make well sure that a toxic comma’s not part of it.

‘cause I sure as shiz was in the derp darkness until like fifteen minutes ago.


This is just like when I found out how pineapples actually grow.