You know what I don’t like about KardBlock?
That it doesn’t block this special brand of bullshit from my browser:
Inescapable, that Koven is.
This Jenner pucker kerfuffle has been pouring outta every corner of my screen (as well as a few newly ripped time space portals from the fourth dimension that don’t want it either). And, now, it’s just more reinforced news that’s unfortunately (unwelcomely) on my mind now. This information for which I’d never asked and with which I can do nada, is now irreversibly in my noggin. But – wait – can we do something with it, mayhaps? What can we possibly glean about a public figure who’s famous for being related to someone who’s famous for being famous? And their lip fibs? First, here’s the quick, painless four sentence backstory: The girl went to the doc and got the Jessica Rabbit face special. Suddenly the media was on her like a Kardashian on a brawny brown boy. She said they were natch. Now she admits they’re not. The end.
Now, everyone knows, when someone’s sporting lips like that, that it ain’t your run of the mill contouring and gloss job. Or a suction puff reaction from going down on a shot glass. So why do we even ask? Short of making out with a couple yellow jackets, there’s very little in nature that’ll take your talk flaps to that level of DSL. And, ya know what? I don’t care that she lied about it. I care that we’re harassing this hapless kid about it. Why are we probing away at whatever a celebrity’s done to their mug – when we know they’re obviously insecure enough about it to: A.) pump fillers in their face to begin with, and B.) be furtive in their reply? Why do we do that until they crack outta shame? On top of that already clear insecurity? Jesus. That’s just fccking cruel. Especially when I see a trendy-news piece like this, with the chick anchor saying something to the effect of, “It sets unrealistic expectations when you say it’s natural – for girls who look up to you”.
1.) Pot, meet kettle
I’m talking to everyone who’s on T.V. and broadcasting this story tandem to a finger-waggy opinion. Ever worn makeup? Ever contoured your nose into a Barbie proboscis? Ever worn a padded bra? Anything remotely deceptive in that it augmented your born-this-way physique? If you have, and if you got on T.V., and if you didn’t immediately post a scrolling disclaimer detailing all the add-ons you’ve done on your body-mobile after it came outta the factory, then I have great news! You’ve won today’s hypocrite sweepstakes! Because if you’re visible in the media, ya know what? You’re someone who someone else is emulating, too. So, what’s your excuse for fabricating a facade?
2.) Everyone’s different
Let’s say Jenner wasn’t lying (whether by omission or not). Let’s say that, on some planet, that’s a thing that happens – people’s lips reverse grow into their faces (or however she phrased it). And that the result looks like two slices of ahi tuna fccking eachother beneath your sniffer. Then what? It’s still not her job to set an example for precocious kids. You know who does have that job? Whoever shat those precocious kids outta their slimy infant mill. Lesson one: everyone looks different. Full lips. Thin lips. Five finger foreheads. Bottom line is, don’t bother coveting any’a ‘em – Hollywood or not – ‘cause you’re never gonna look like someone else. Think you’re ugly? Well, you might be right. But you don’t have to be miserable. (Plus, I’m told sadness exacerbates a bad case of the uglies.) No. Just do what Lady GaGa did: cultivate your creative prowess, join the illuminati, and make the world worship you and shit themselves when you arrive to an award show in a pupa. In fact, that’s good advice for you pretties, too. ’cause when the sexy fades – if ya haven’t invested them skills – shiz’s gonna hit the fan f’real.
3.) Duh.
As I said above, it was always clear those lips were never real. Anyone with half a neuron could gather that. And, as we’re somehow molding our Kylie disapproval around the suggestion that kids might “feel bad about themselves” for failing to meet kisser-thickness standards, lemme ask you, AnyTeen of the interweb: are there any non-famous people at your school whose lips had a growth spurt like that over the summer? Or who just have lips like that at all? Kids aren’t that dumb to think this is the norm or how women are meant to look. So don’t use fake compassion to turn America’s teens into excuse pawns for wherever you’re swinging your superficiality spotlight today. Especially when Miss Jenner’s a teen herself. She’s seven-fckking-teen, you cretins. And she was born into a porn-famous fam, which she never asked for. This isn’t Miss America on tour doing service work. She’s a kid. And she’s only doing exactly what those same teen girls you claim to be worried about do: looking up to her sisters and copying them.
Well, there we go! We managed to siphon some sorta lesson outta this stool sample of a trending topic.
And, if you’ve got crappy parents who fail at teaching life lessons, mayhaps you learned something here today.
Now get off your phone and go practice piano and singing.
Ya know, in case your lips don’t fill out before adulthood, rendering you 100% unlovable by anyone.