I shouldn’t eat that before my run…

“SIRI: WHY ARE THESE DATES SO DELICIOUS?”

I shouldn’t be now physically eating this before my run…

“SIRI: WHY CAN’T I STOP EATING THESE DATES?”

I shouldn’t be eating this before my run OR asking an effing computer to explain my lack of self-control to me.

Such was how yesterday ensued for me. I rarely buy dates or figs anymore because they’re the candied crack of the natural food world. I can moderate when it comes to other delicious items like mango, coconut shavings, or even dried tart cherries. But there’s something about those juicy dates and Turkish figs that are like sirens in my dietary sea, tempting my taste buds and telling my tummy the lie every damned time, “No… you’re not full. Have another, darling…” Hence my need to confer with someone – anyone – even an invisible Rosie Jetson who lives in my phone about the source of these horrible proclivities. I need all the information. Why?! Nay – how, where, when, who, why and WTF do these outrageous cravings come from? Maybe knowing will help. Maybe introducing a bit of self-awareness can curb my current disregard for the fact that I’m merely delighting the ingestion orifice in my face when I fig-binge. That I’m not just eating for fuel like I’m s’posed to. Maybe knowing will help me change.

There’s not much to it.

Sugar addiction cravings are kinda like drug cravings – and when that part of our brain gets overridden by our desires, it’s like we can’t think of anything else. Literally. A test was actually done on subjects who were suffering a craving for something seemingly benign: chocolate. Those chocolate lovers who had a craving, failed the math and memory tests miserably. So, our jonesin’ is making us literally stupid by distracting us from everything peripheral and narrowing our focus into a crave-corridor. This makes a shiz ton of sense to me because while you’d think all this talk of sugar being like smack would shame me into not wanting it, I just crave even more of my date dope. It’s quickly becoming my only thought.

I might not even finish this article….

But, thankfully, vanity and not being willing to settle for an unfinished piece of work is a stronger vice of mine. So, I can definitely say that this info is always helpful to revisit. ‘cause I’m really good at forgetting things when it comes to hard-to-keep-habits. Like avoiding the kinda foods that can make my scale skyrocket when I so much as sideward glance at ‘em.

In that way, maybe this scientific adventure has helped me a bit. ‘cause I now realize three things

1.) I can’t moderate these foods. 2.) Cravings can make us super dumb 3.) So, duh: just don’t buy it.

That’s the big takeaway, I think. Just gotta stop buying the kinda stuff I mindlessly eat not just for fear of fat, but because diesel level cravings for anything make me stupid to the point of not being able to function. And right now, I’ve reached rock bottom of my bowl and all that’s left here is a scattering of almond shaped pits. Hard (literally) forensic evidence of my gastronomical transgressions and edible sins. I cannot control my date or fig addiction. The only answer is to never buy them for myself. Out of sight, out of mind, they say. And even if it is in my mind, that same rule they tell you for drink or drugs is pretty helpful too: if you don’t have it around, chances are you won’t use it. In fact, I tend to believe the answer SIRI would give if she were my helpful technological stomach sponsor and not some boring useless phone-bot who misinterprets every other command I give her would be: “You don’t need to know why you have an uncontrollable, insatiable craving, Ashley. You just need to know indulging it makes you unhappy. And to eliminate what you’re craving from your option menu. And life.”

(Then she might do a list of some rehab (sweethab?) facilities near me.)

Real surprising that my higher-self Siri’s better than the one I paid too much for to tell Holocaust jokes.