I spend about blahbety-blah percent of my life online. Let’s just assume that figure’s high. And it’s got a nine in the first digit. And there’s, like, three digits. But it’s sort of nuts when I think about it – not just in a lament-modern-society-slaves sorta way. No, I mean I’m realizing that only about half of that time’s spent doing actual work. And when I say half, I mean.. Read More
CineMotional Soundtracking
Ah, music. Music – that causes transcendent God moments and wallow-thons alike. Music with subtextual healing lyrics. Music with wordless instrumental wonder. When everything from religion to a rapidly lightening Valium bottle failed me, music never has. Like comedy, it’s among the quickest ways to un-feel a feeling or switch the ick off – to tune into some other frequency. Through college, I would wear headphones everywhere. Fully embracing my.. Read More
Panic Chick: Don’t Knocker It Til You’ve Fried It
Sometimes, when mildly annoying shiz happens in life, we just have to sit back and laugh at ourselves – particularly our own reaction to it. And then release it to the public to laugh at us too. Like, okay. You know how in horror movies, the girl (who’s wearing one of those bras the Victoria’s Secret lady has to go all the way to the back to get because they.. Read More
Taste the Painbow
And now, for another edition of random acts of cruelty. I came across this gem at some point while meandering through memery and other assorted forms of mental masturbation – A hidden camera to capture the reactions might have been even better. However, as a considerate person, I totally identify with why the prankster opted not to. I mean, when I replaced my Moutain Dew in the work fridge with.. Read More
PhonesomniAct
The beauty about texting is the invisibility cloak that shields my absolute absence of ardor. Thank god. I’m trying to be nice, but when I’m sleepy, hurting or annoyed in general – my inner werewolf (don’t be fooled by that term, “inner”, as you needn’t dig far to find him) surfaces like some acrid gaseous emission from the depths of a bath. At such times as these, the mere concept.. Read More
Denial…a trigger in Ego
So, there’s this fun story – this fictional (I think?) anecdote about a Russian cosmonaut. And it keeps popping into my head every so often. Basically, the guy’s up in space when he hears this continuous, monotonous tapping noise in his cabin. The dudes on the ground can’t identify it, so he rips everything apart to seek out the source. He finds nothing. The poor bastard is sure it’s going.. Read More
RetroTweet: Spoiler Alert Addition
On today’s episode of Retro Tweets, I interact with mildly famous Twitter accounts (that is what that blue check means, no?) manned by admins I don’t know: @WhatTheFFacts Did Simon and Garfunkel sue him? — ashley (@Ashley_Olds) February 2, 2014 (The only musical duo that didn’t bore me when they did the whole track to a movie) “@Discovery: All clams are born as males, but can later turn into a.. Read More
Maggot In The Middle
For a grumpier metaphorical spin on Gump’s comparison of life to chocolates, here’s this fun thing: In fairness, they are speaking in a language common to a nation known to put worms in other products for human consumption (like Tequila). That’s all. Have a beautiful day!
Olympian Chlorine Queens Issue Comedy-Chloroform
Okay, Okay. I’ve got one for you. So, Snookie, Smeagol, and the choreographer of “Thriller” walk into a pool… You’ve got to help me out with the punchline. I’m finding the photos themselves pretty hard to outdo. #lordoftheolympicrings #retrolympics
99 Problems And Bitching Solves None.
“It’d be cool if Facebook’s newsfeed prioritized status updates by comedy level. That way, I’d be in a more compassionate mood from laughing by the time I scrolled down to the negative reality stuff.” “I’ve got 99 problems and bitching solves none” –This Bitch, “The FaceBook Files” No – really. Let’s talk about this. It’s so awesome that we have social networking and can share everything from thoughts and memes.. Read More