Ever get your rocks off while stoned? (That’s right. We’re starting with a zinger today.) No, of course not. Because pot makes you lazy (see: generalization based on men I should have never dated). But wouldn’t it be great if you could combine the highs of natural, primal ecstasy with whatever it is in weed that people seem to like and I can’t relate to? Well, your prayers have been.. Read More
Ebola – now available in the U.S.!
Let’s say you have ebola. There’s at least a 50% chance that you’re going to die a horrible domino effect of shutting down organ systems as you hemhorrage from every orifice you own (sorryboutit). And there’s no official known cure yet. Whatchya gonna do? Well, the answer for a couple missionaries visiting over in Africa was to bring it back home. To be fair here, though, I can honestly say.. Read More
The first rule of fowl club IS…
I don’t mean to be judgey but… Can we talk about birding? Or birders? Or whatever these people are called? I remember seeing that Jack Black and Owen Wilson movie about this a couple years ago and thinking mayhaps it was a hobby for the friendless or weirdoes or mid-life crisisers. You’d think this would make me an excellent candidate what with my woodsy-loving proclivities and lonerism – but the.. Read More
Peace and pissing contests: Hannity vs. Brand
I’m kinda Cher Horowitz when it comes to debating issues of war. Not that educated, but the good intentions are there. So that’s why it’s nice when someone who has both a wealth of background on the matter AND a good heart steps in to simplify it for people like me – and serve Hannity’s ass back to him. Before you start bucket-izing me into anti-donkey or elephant, just know.. Read More
Legs on a plane!
Whether you’re Chuck Norris or a truculent horse, legs can make for great weapons. And this chick on a flight bound for Edinburg (that’s in England) this week, apparently would agree with me. The lady who had a faux limb also enjoyed one too many spirits while airborne and thusly entered an altered state of consciousness in which assaulting her fellow plane mates and friendly sky stewards suddenly seemed like.. Read More
The muggle is real: Harry Potter teaching tolerance
I always knew it – and it’s great that science has officially stepped in to confirm it: Harry Potter teaches tolerance. Eh. “Tolerance” is a shitty word. I take that back. Let’s use “decreases discrimination” – which is a great quality in an extended fairy tale. Indeed, the series shows kids that whether you were born magical or are a mere muggle, everyone deserves to play Quidditch if they’ve got.. Read More
“We tortured some folks” -POTUS
You’ve gotta love Obama. Man after my own heart, really. And nothing could reinforce this fact more than his recent commentary in which he enacted one of my most fond go-to weapons when I wanna apologize but not really: the timeless tool of descriptive rohypnol for the purposes of spiking a half assed concession or mea culpa into a nice warm cup of WTF with a teaspoon of “it ain’t.. Read More
Baby baker photographic fails
When I lived in New Orleans, I noticed they’d hold a little shindig called Mardi Gras. You might have heard of it. But between the boobs and beads and shock and awe and puke and drunks chained to bicycle racks while cops on horses waited to come back and take them to jail… you wanna know what floored me most of all? The day I ate a piece of cake….. Read More
No such thing as a geriatric junkie
I once heard the phrase “There’s no such thing as a geriatric junkie.” Actually, I might have tweaked that (pardon the pun) slightly to sound more alliterative. Nonetheless, I always knew the general message was pretty much true – but my reasoning was apparently wrong. Here I was, thinking that whoever said it along with the “not even once” or “this is your brain on rainbow and unicorn inducing powder”.. Read More
Parents butthurt over a little peen
And today in butthurt parenting, we bring you: Toy penises No, not those. I mean, literal, actual plastic penises on the toy dolls kids play with. The ones where you change their diapers because they pissed themselves that are selling at Toys R Us. Indeed, a buncha moms took to Facebook with their imaginary soapboxes to voice their vexations about these lewd trinkets ending up in their homes. How dare.. Read More